Become the Person You Needed pt. I
Reflections by Cleo.
Did you have a childhood that was wrecked with hardship, abuse, and loneliness? Or maybe you know of someone who experienced it. Perhaps the question had been asked, “Why did this happen to me?” As a child, I went through some of the most horrendous forms of abuse and neglect from those who should have been my protectors. Not knowing any better, the life seemed normal; the duration made it feel that way. Being a child, I registered it as love from those entrusted to care for me.
Amazing, how as an adult, some of the most important decisions of my life ended up being affected by this warped sense of love. Can anybody feel me? Ever wondered why some people settle for relationships that are toxic with abuse, whether it be physical or psychological? Many would leave one abusive person just to allow another one to step up to the plate. Perhaps it can be traced back to this inaccurate and distorted understanding of what real love is supposed to be. So parents, go lightly on your adult children when they make wrong choices… sometimes the tracks can lead back to their beginnings. (Not pointing fingers, mind you.)
Now, in my reflection, I think, “Where was my sister when I needed her most? Didn’t she see me? Was I invisible? What about the scars? Were they invisible, too?” There are always signs of abuse if one had only taken the time to look. For a period of time, after having made a boatload of bad choices, I blamed others for not being there for me. I needed someone to 
come in and protect me, rescue me, guide me, educate me. But the way I saw it… all had FAILED ME!
Though, thankful for the rescue I received from a loving Savior at 21 years old, I still carried those feelings of resentment and confusion well into my 30’s, 40’s and beyond. But, as always, God saw the struggles that no one else could see. I remember hearing the sweet, soft voice of the Spirit tell me one day, “You Have Become the Person You Needed.” I was pressed to step back and look over my steps as a believer. Surprisingly to me, I had become to others, much of what I needed as a child. God in the quiet, working behind the scenes, made me to be a big sister, a mother, a friend, a counselor to the many people He allowed to cross my path from time to time.
For those who are still on a journey through the muck and the mire of such abuse, there is a book that I stumbled upon in the late ’90s; it helped me to learn forgiveness that I might break the chains from my life and release others at the same time. It is called, ‘Healing for Damaged Emotions’ by David A. Seamands. Stand fast. There’s Hope. God will bring Beauty for Ashes.
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As I read your story I realize how damaged I am I though by believing on God’s word was enough but because there,s so much hurt and pain in my life from being rejected and not feeling anyone cares for me in my family I’m understanding it’s not enough to just have faith and believe but I have to give this stuff to God that he release me from my walk with God can’t be strong if I’m always thinking of giving up I do trust and believe in God but it’s me who needs to be fixed when I try to express myself it somehow always comes out wrong I feel like a disapointmet to my family and when I had no where to go and called my sister she said because I made the same mistake over and over again running behind my husband and because she and two others are older than myself this is what I saw in them ? was I taught to run behind a husband that didn’t do right are did I learn this on my own but because they got better and I’m not running behind him any more and I just got a job starting from nothing after loosing everything yet I’m still being rejected because I live with a nice sleep on her sofa the few things I have are in bags yet I’m holding on it gets hard and I do I think about death a lot because I feel I have to agree with whatever I’m to to do are not to do because I don’t want to addendum anyone after all I’m living on other people’s time Hope is something I need a lot of, so please pray for my family and sand in agreement with me as I pray and ask him to do in me what I can’t do in myself to clean me from the inside out God Bless you all
There is a prayer called The Prayer of Relinquishing” it’s a big word for surrender. It can be a hard word… because when you have nothing you wonder, “what do I have to surrender?” God wants all of who we are… what we think… what we feel… He is constantly emptying us of ourselves in order to pour His Spirit in us. Psalm 51, David prayed for renewal. I have learned to recognize Jesus, God’s Son and this world’s Savior. Often I ask Him to forgive me of my shortfalls, cleanse me and come into my heart, fill me with His Holy Spirit… and renew the right spirit within me. We all have fallen short. There is none good… no not one. But God gives us the righteousness of His Son. When He sees His signature (the blood of the Lamb and the Righteousness) He has promised to save, deliver and bless us. He has no respect of persons.
IT ‘S TRUE ROCHELLE WHEN WE ARE CHILDREN WE CAN’T SEE WHY WE ARE LIKE WE ARE BECAUSE WE EXPRESS THE EMOTIONS IN OUR CONDUCT REFLECTED FROM OUR ANCESTORS COULD BE ANYBODY : RELATIVES- OR FRIENDS AND WE CARRY THESE LEGACY WHEN WE WERE TEENAGERS INCLUSIVE ADULTS ACTUALLY BUT WHEN WE FIND JESUS IS EASIER TO LIVE IN LOVE WITH OURSELFS WE HAVE MORE PEACE – MORE REJOYCE IN THIS WONDERFULL WORLD CALL EARTH AND WE CAN ACCEPT AND UNDERSTAND HOW IS THE PEOPLE I MEAN US .YES WE ARE PEOPLE WHO WANTS TO CHANGE FOR A QUALITY OF LIFE AND IT’S ONLY ONE WAY JESUSCHRIST OUR SAVIOR FOR ALL SINS WE DID CONSCIOUSLY OR UNCONSCIOUSLY. THE BIBLE IS OUR BEST INSTRUCTOR.OF COURSE A GOOD LEADER,A GOOD FRIEND ,A GOOD COUPLE AS ROCHELLE INDO.WITH LOVE.OSCAR.
Thanks, for your kind and truthful words.