I could barely see to drive through my tears. As I left Planned Parenthood, with the knowledge that I was indeed pregnant, I was crying because I knew I had no choices. I knew my husband of four months was not ready to start a family and that he would insist on abortion; it simply wasn’t convenient.

In my mind, if I didn’t have an abortion I would lose him. All the propaganda that was being taught by Planned Parenthood was, “it’s just a blob of tissue, not a viable fetus. No more than a D&C” (dilation and curettage). That was a lie from satan. Deep in my heart, I knew it was wrong. Exodus 20:13 “Thou shalt not commit murder.”

 

All the details were taken care of by Planned Parenthood. The appointment, air, and ground transportation. We flew from Orlando to N.Y. City (where abortion was legal since 1970) and were back by evening. I don’t remember much about our taxi ride to 5th Ave. other than the driver pointing out the World Twin Towers and couple other points of interest. I had never seen so many skyscrapers and taxis in my life!

 

We arrived at our destination at one of those tall buildings and took the elevator to the 10th floor. We took care of the bill, then my husband left me to go see the sights. After he left, I was asked if I wanted some counseling, but I declined because I figured it was too late to change my mind and didn’t want to lose my husband. It was what I had to do.

 

A few hours later the next thing I knew I was sitting in 24-B thinking of how surreal the day had been and how much pain I was in. I asked the stewardess if she had anything for menstrual cramps and she brought me a couple of Tylenol. Before I knew it we were back in Orlando.

 

I saw a big change in my husband; instead of sympathy, I saw a lot of hostility. I slept in the guest room that night though I got little if any sleep. I sobbed all night. I chose to deny the existence of a child, a loss to mourn; couldn’t allow myself to grieve because that would be admitting to my guilt.

This is a very heavy burden to bear so denial was a coping mechanism. It’s not surprising that pain begins to emerge from the depths of the heart. Let me tell you, abortion wounds the body, soul, and spirit. It leaves invisible scars, and an emptiness that can never be filled.

For the next 10 years my life was full of negative feelings; PTSD, guilt, anger, remorse, shame, loss of self-esteem, feelings of isolation, loneliness, inability to forgive myself, sorrow, regret, despair, self condemnation, and the fear of punishment from God.

 

We became faithful members of a Methodist Church where we would begin our journey of healing. They had a special service for people who had lost children due to abortion and other reasons. I never knew this kind of healing could be experienced. I didn’t know I could be forgiven until that service. A huge weight was lifted as the healing began.

 

Healing is a process just as a sore needs nurturing and care in order to heal properly; our souls, too, need the healing salve that only our heavenly Father can provide. Healing takes time; it is a process but given attention, care, and time, the wounded soul will heal. We were told at the healing service that we should name our child. I named him William. He is never far from my thoughts and I know we will be reunited one day.

 

I just want to now touch on what abortion does to the father of the aborted child.

Men indeed grieve but they are more likely to deny their grief or internalize their feelings of loss rather than openly express them. Silent suffers; some depressed or anxious; others compulsive, controlling, demanding and directing. Some become enraged, repressed hostility. Mask or substituting foster denial and forces a male to become a fugitive from life, loving, and healing. Sometimes called the hollow man. Irrespectful of the law, both men and women co-created the pregnancy and both will live with the aftermath regardless of how some may try to celebrate ‘Choice.’

 

I urge each one considering taking this route to choose life; do not abort your baby. Save yourselves from a lifetime of regret and grief. Know that God values all human life. We are fearfully and wonderfully made. He knit us in our mothers womb. Jeremiah 1:5 says “Before I formed you in your mother’s womb, I knew you.”

 

Placing your child up for adoption is always an option. Trust in the Lord. He will be with you and provide for you every step of the way. If I had it to do all over again, I would choose to keep my child and trust God for the rest. If my faith had been stronger, I would have chosen my child no matter what and trusted God to allow me to be secure enough in my marriage so I would have my man and my child.

 

 

 

 

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